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Funny stories & jokes (Mega Thread)

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lig}{tning

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Much like the funny image thread, funny video thread this one is for funny stories.
Reason for me to make this thread is some of us here in Wj are working hard, hard time in personal life, working hard on coding ect.
Am sure this thread will make you relax a bit and make your stress relief.
I am going to try to update on daily basis so keep your eyes open for this Mega Thread.
Your are more then welcome to share funny stories in this thread.

Most important thing is i am just sharing funny joke stories from net.

Enjoy the post
 
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Couple In Their Bedroom
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

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Newly Wed Couple
this newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:

wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.

husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.

wife: i'm flat chested.

husband: i don't believe u..prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.

wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.

husband: im "weighed like a baby".

wife: i don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!

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Jumping Blonde
A blonde, brunette and a redhead run to the top of a burning building. Below, a few firefighters are holding a blanket telling the redhead to jump.

When the redhead jumps the firefighters snatch the blanket away and she hits the concrete.

When the firefighters ask the brunette to jump she jumps and again they pull the blanket away.

When the firefighters ask the blonde to jump she replies, "I don't trust you, so just put the blanket down and back away."
 
PLZ READ THIS ITS VERY FUNNY !! ;DDD !!

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry, whats your problem?

Harry answered, Im too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and Im smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
... grade too!

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Harry: 9″.

Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Harry: 36″.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, Let me ask him some questions.

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: Legs.

Ms. Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have? The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: Pockets.


Ms. Brooks: What does a dog do that a man steps into?
Harry: Pants

Ms. Brooks: Whats starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut.

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer.
Harry: Bubble gum

Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
Harry: Shake hands.

The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an F and ends in K that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong
 
wdOmp.jpg


LOL :D

 
Bus Ride
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

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Its Natural
Three girls walk into a bar; a brunette a red head and a green haired girl. The bar tender asks the brunette how she keeps her hair so brown.

The brunette combs her hands through her hair and says, "It's natural it's natural.

Then the bar tender asks the red head how she keeps her hair so red. She combs her hands through her hair and says, "It's natural, it's natural.

Then he asks the green haired girl how she keeps her hair so green. She sneezes into her hands, combs her hands through her hair and says, "Its natural, its natural."

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 
Male stripper
The other day, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again. My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then the marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home. . .
 
BJ. Here?
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a bj??
"Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!",
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"?
"Oh come on! there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you??...
"Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a bj, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom will do it, or even dad.
But for God's sake tell him to take his f***ing hand off the intercom!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dirty Dentist
A woman goes into a dentist’s office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”

Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I’d rather have a baby.”

To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair either way.”
 
[FONT=Verdana, Arial]Why E-mail Is Like a Penis
1. Some people have it, some don't.
2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off.
3. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
4. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
5. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
6. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours.
7. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
8. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
9. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, "Why on earth did I do that?"
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will do the same damn dumb things it did before.[/FONT]
 
A beautiful, voluptuous woman

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had
disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came
here in the first place."

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A unit in sex education
A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring
in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip
and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long
as there's no homework."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Working With The FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
 
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