Heffer Wolfe
Member
While many learned professors have abandoned hope of ever discovering the truth behind me, I for one feel that it is still a worthy cause for examination. In depth analysis of me can be an enriching experience. Though I am a favourite topic of discussion amongst monarchs, presidents and dictators, spasmodically it returns to create a new passion amongst those who study its history. Often I am seen as both a help and a hinderence to global commercial enterprises, who just don't like that sort of thing.
I was born on a pirate ship to a loving mother and as many as thirty potential fathers. Growing up, my life was not easy, but it was always interesting. At the age of five, I contracted cholera and began to have visions. Writing down each of these visions in a volume would one day lead to the codex from which all Red Hot Chili Pepper songs are drawn from.
Upon recovering from my illness at the age of six, I was given only an old straw hat by dirty old Hank and a shoe box with my belongings and forced to leave the only home I had ever known.
Rather than enter school or an orphanage as would a common child, I decided to make my own reality and working as a street musician with a focus on jazz. With no money, I was forced to sell Girl Scout cookies to raise funds for my sax. This was particularly awkward, given the fact that I am a plump boy.
Having obtained my sax, I began to travel the world, playing for people in every country. Eventually, I found my way to the Soviet Union. It was August of 1991, and I was playing on a street corner of Moscow. Where I met a heavy hearted man who very well dressed. I asked what his problem was and he told me that he feared he could no longer hold together so many people in his family and that it may break apart. I told him that families do not need control and he should let them go, they will still be a family, even without control. That man I later learned, was Mikhail Gorbachev. Just a few das later, he would resign and order all party units dissolve.
I saw that my music could be a powerful force for change. It had ended the Soviet Union. I was afraid that such power was beyond my control, so I forever gave up on music.
Somehow, I emerged from my childhood without ever being molested, despite my unquestionable beauty. That streak of luck ended, however upon turning 19. After bringing an end to the Cold War, I was between life goals and working at a spa. That was when I encountered Tracy. A middle aged truck driver who proudly wore a shirt that said "I get what I want". And what she wanted was me. I tried to resist, but she overpowered me and violated me for nearly a full minute before my extraordinary stamina gave out.
Haunted by this encounter, I turned to alcohol. I drank every type of beer made at least three times over. And I found it all wanting. So I decided to make my own. I forged a great new beer unlike any other, and approached Molson Coors Brewing Company about my brew. They loved it, and because I am not a material man, I gave them the full rights in exchange for some airplane tickets and walking about money. This brew of mine would soon become the famous Blue Moon beer.
The last two decades have been a whirlwind, where I have accomplished far more than in the past. But I feel these tales are for another day.
To conclude, I have played a large part in the development of man in the 20th Century and my influence remains strong.
I shall give the final word to star Ozzy Garfunkel: 'Oooh yeah me shoo badaby dooo.'
I was born on a pirate ship to a loving mother and as many as thirty potential fathers. Growing up, my life was not easy, but it was always interesting. At the age of five, I contracted cholera and began to have visions. Writing down each of these visions in a volume would one day lead to the codex from which all Red Hot Chili Pepper songs are drawn from.
Upon recovering from my illness at the age of six, I was given only an old straw hat by dirty old Hank and a shoe box with my belongings and forced to leave the only home I had ever known.
Rather than enter school or an orphanage as would a common child, I decided to make my own reality and working as a street musician with a focus on jazz. With no money, I was forced to sell Girl Scout cookies to raise funds for my sax. This was particularly awkward, given the fact that I am a plump boy.
Having obtained my sax, I began to travel the world, playing for people in every country. Eventually, I found my way to the Soviet Union. It was August of 1991, and I was playing on a street corner of Moscow. Where I met a heavy hearted man who very well dressed. I asked what his problem was and he told me that he feared he could no longer hold together so many people in his family and that it may break apart. I told him that families do not need control and he should let them go, they will still be a family, even without control. That man I later learned, was Mikhail Gorbachev. Just a few das later, he would resign and order all party units dissolve.
I saw that my music could be a powerful force for change. It had ended the Soviet Union. I was afraid that such power was beyond my control, so I forever gave up on music.
Somehow, I emerged from my childhood without ever being molested, despite my unquestionable beauty. That streak of luck ended, however upon turning 19. After bringing an end to the Cold War, I was between life goals and working at a spa. That was when I encountered Tracy. A middle aged truck driver who proudly wore a shirt that said "I get what I want". And what she wanted was me. I tried to resist, but she overpowered me and violated me for nearly a full minute before my extraordinary stamina gave out.
Haunted by this encounter, I turned to alcohol. I drank every type of beer made at least three times over. And I found it all wanting. So I decided to make my own. I forged a great new beer unlike any other, and approached Molson Coors Brewing Company about my brew. They loved it, and because I am not a material man, I gave them the full rights in exchange for some airplane tickets and walking about money. This brew of mine would soon become the famous Blue Moon beer.
The last two decades have been a whirlwind, where I have accomplished far more than in the past. But I feel these tales are for another day.
To conclude, I have played a large part in the development of man in the 20th Century and my influence remains strong.
I shall give the final word to star Ozzy Garfunkel: 'Oooh yeah me shoo badaby dooo.'
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